a second attempt at domesticity.

I get these ideas sometimes. Ideas that I am a STRONG. INDEPENDENT. WOMAN. WHO. CAN. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS.

And when I get these ideas, I usually try to do something that seems to come easy to so many other people. And lately I’ve been attempting to bake. You all remember the hell I went through with the cake, right? Well tonight I decided that I would try making a pie. I cheated a little and used a pre-made crust because COME ON, WHO HAS TIME FOR REAL CRUST?

And what better pie to try to make than a chocolate meringue? I can rock an apple pie like it’s no one’s business, but this was all fancy. And I… think I failed.

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So, the pie LOOKS right. But it doesn’t seem to be thick enough. I don’t think I let the filling thicken up enough. I’m fairly certain it’s just pudding. So when we attempt to cut into this thing at work tomorrow it’s just going to be a mess of crust, pudding and meringue.

Whatever. I tried. And maybe I’ll try it again next time but thicken the pudding up a little more so it’s filling and not pudding. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN RIGHT, PEOPLE.

The funny thing is.. I always swore I’d never be the sort of woman who was barefoot in her kitchen baking. OOOPS MY BAD.

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why being lonely is sometimes super awesome

Note: If you got that reference please let me know. We’ll be friends for life.

I, like every other person ever, get lonely sometimes. When you have no one but a jerk cat to keep you company it’s bound to happen. And while my schedule is pretty packed with work, friends, church and various other amazing things (Listen to Your Mother, for example) I still have down time at home and that is when the loneliness likes to creep in. By creep in I mean it manifests itself in the form of a tub of ice cream and crying over the sad episodes of Doctor Who. Because that’s what loneliness is, okay?

But the next morning, when I’m all ready to go back to work after my single day off, I realize that being lonely isn’t a bad thing sometimes. It does suck more often than not, but there are the occasions when I realize it’s a good thing. Because it’s made me appreciate the people I have in my life so much more.

For example, my mother and I now have dinner together every Friday night. I look forward to those nights so much. It started as going out for fish during Lent, but we’ve both agreed that it’ll continue on forever. Or at least until she’s too old to hold a fork in a few months. If I hadn’t been lonely and seeking out time with my loved ones, I wouldn’t have started this amazing tradition. I’ve been able to appreciate my mom so much more now and laugh with her (and at her) more than before.

My friends have become an even bigger part of my life as well. If I don’t want to sit at home I know I can count on them to spend time with me. I even have an amazing group of girls (my bitches, I love you all) that I get to see and talk to more than I ever would’ve if I hadn’t been lonely. I honestly don’t think I would’ve been going to all these GNOs and random meetups if I wasn’t lonely.

But maybe the biggest change in my life has been how much more involved I’ve been with church. I’ve met people I would’ve never spoken to before and I go more often than I don’t. I say yes when people ask me to do this and it’s all because I don’t want to be sitting at home. Without sounding too cheesy, I think maybe God had a plan all along. Parts of his plan sucked and I really think there could’ve been another way to get the message across to me without spending ten years in a relationship that ended in divorce, but hey.

By being lonely I’ve forced myself to get out there more and be with more people and see more things. So, really, my misery was the best thing that could happen to me. I don’t think I’m lonely anymore. Sure there are days when I’m bummed out, but then I think about all the stuff I have going on and the plans and the people I can reach out to and I remember.

I’m actually pretty damn happy.

refusing to turn the other cheek

There are a lot of people like me out there. Younger Christians who don’t make a big show of their faith. And I’d wager there are a lot of Lutherans out there who REALLY don’t make a big show of their faith because we’re Lutherans and that just isn’t our style. But I think maybe we’re doing things wrong. Because by being quiet and private with our faith, we’re passively allowing others to believe we have no faith. And that’s not right.

My thoughts today come from a handful of Zombie Jesus jokes I saw on Facebook and Twitter this morning. Those who might not believe found it so easy to mock religion. One way to deal with this is to turn the other cheek and that is what I did this morning. I mostly ignored it. But then I started to think… if I ignore that, does it mean I’m endorsing that sort of behavior? Am I telling the world that it is okay to mock my faith simply because they don’t agree with it? Am I passively endorsing their behavior by remaining silent? Yes. Yes I am.

Besides. Turning the other cheek isn’t really my style.

So, this post is my message to all the people out there who AREN’T religious and also to the people who get on anyone who doesn’t believe the same exact way they do.

Knock. It. Off.

I’ve seen so many of you yell about Christians who display their faith. And I understand where you are coming from. Because those who shout the loudest are often those who are the most unwilling to listen to anyone else. If you see a car with a bumper sticker that proclaims the driver is pro-life I doubt you’re going to be able to convince them donate to Planned Parenthood. But before you write all Christians off as zealots who will never agree with you, consider that there are a lot of us like me out there. There are Christians who are quiet in their faith and willing to listen and discuss and try to understand other perspectives. There are Christians who struggle with their own faith and question the teachings of their church. And when you mock the entire Christian faith, you’re telling them that they are foolish or dumb for believing. So why would they come to you to have a discussion if they believe you’re going to look down on them for having faith?

And to the Christians out there who won’t bend or take a breath and consider the other side? Shame on you as well. Because you’re still telling me that I’m wrong for how I choose to practice my faith. When you post things that love is only meant for a husband and a wife, you’re condemning me for my divorce. When you say that a woman should be submissive to her husband you’re looking down on me for believing I deserve an equal voice. When you tell me that my father is going to hell because he isn’t a Christian then, well… Well then you’re just a jackass because my father is the most loving am morally sound person I know.

So, both sides, just stop. Stop mocking Christians and stop belittling people who don’t worship in the same manner you do. All you are doing is pushing the majority of Christians further into the dark.

But.. for the majority of us? For the Christians out there who are quiet in our faith and let posts from the two extremes go unchallenged because we see no point in arguing? LET’S ARGUE. Let’s start standing up for those of us in the middle. Let’s show the world that there are Christians who love science and swearing. Let’s proudly tell people we have faith and be even PROUDER in admitting it’s a struggle for us. No one should tell us that we are foolish for believing or that we aren’t good enough because we don’t believe enough.

Anyone who makes you feel badly about your own faith is a jackass. And instead of letting them simply be a jackass, stand up for yourself. Because I know that’s what I’m doing from now on.

you blog about your kids….

Me: I think I’ll sit down and read all of the internet. That sounds like a nice way to relax while the 4.8 million grams of caffeine I ingested today slowly works out of my system. Goodness, this couch is comfortable and how I love being in sweats. Isn’t the world a better place when you don’t need to wear real pants? Ahh, I feel better. I feel relaxed. Dare I say it? I feel happy.

Cat: I WILL WALK ALL OVER YOUR LAPTOP AND TIP OVER THAT GLASS OF WATER. HAHA, HUMAN. BOW BEFORE ME. BOOOOOOW.

*furnace kicks on*

Cat: OH MY GOD THE END IS NIGH! I SHALL RUN AND HIDE! OH, PLEASE, MY LOVING CARETAKER, SAVE ME FROM THAT WRETCHED SOUND. I LOVE YOU. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU.

Some days I think that I’m in a really long game against the cat. Let me remind you all that he is NOT my cat. No, this little ball of hate and hellfire belongs to my former roommate who, after she left me for a man, begged me to keep her cat. And I did. because I’m a sucker. And she knows it. Dick. Anyway. Rhys and I have come to an understanding. I feed him and give him a clean place to crap and he doesn’t eat my face.

Except, well, most of the time I think he’s still planning on eating my face. He looks at me sometimes and just stares. Like he’s trying to see into my soul. Or he stares as though he’s charting my weaknesses and organizing a battle plan of attack. He will take any opportunity to wound me. Thankfully since he’s also insane and scared of his own fur, Rhys’ plans are often foiled by his own crazy.

Most days we sit around and ignore each other. He has his couch. I have mine. We don’t talk. I don’t speak cat so a conversation is pretty pointless. He pretends not to understand anything I say which is a total lie. That cat knows. He KNOWS when I’ve called him an asshole. And I think he smirks too.

The fact that this cat is such a dick honestly makes me love him more.

There will come a day when I forget to feed him because I’m thinking of something really important. Like twitter. Or Doctor Who. Or pizza. And on that day? Rhys is going to eat my face. I bet the little shit won’t feel sorry about it either.

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I am NOT a domestic goddess.

Not having a car (oh, right.. I don’t currently have a car. It’s hell) makes the simplest tasks insanely complicated. For example, if I had a car I would call a bakery, order a cake and drive to pick it up. Easy, right?

Well, I don’t have a car. And so instead of ordering a cake from a bakery LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO, I decided to bake a cake. From scratch. I didn’t even use a mix. And I’ve learned one thing… I am not a domestic goddess. Actually, I’ve learned two things. I am not a domestic goddess and Julie has my undying appreciation and admiration.

One of my co-workers is having a birthday tomorrow and I’ve decided that there needs to be more cake in the world and so I’ve started getting cakes for all the birthdays. Because cake. I emailed my lovely co-worker, who is also named Julie and is also amazing, but not the above referenced amazing Julie and asked her what her favorite kind of cake was.

Julie, I love you, but the correct answers to this are as follows: chocolate, white, yellow, banana. Julie, however, picked German Chocolate Cake. All right, I told myself. I can do this. It’s just baking. HOW HARD CAN THIS BE?

Hard. And messy. And really messy. And recipes are confusing. For the record, I am using this one and I’ve no idea how it’s going to turn out. I’m terrified it’ll taste like crap and I’ll have to call in an order for a good cake and borrow a car to go pick it up. And because my kitchen looks like someone vomited flour, I’m not going to share pictures of this process. You can expect that from those bloggers who have skill and talent and stuff.

My biggest gripe of this process is when I was told to “save the egg whites for another recipe” when really they meant KEEP THESE EGG WHITES YOU’RE GONNA NEED THEM IN LIKE TEN MINUTES. Oh, hahah, you threw them away? JOKE IS ON YOU FOR NOT READING AHEAD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT WE’D BE CLEAR WITH OUR INSTRUCTIONS. HAHAHA, FOOL.

Screw you, Betty Crocker.

Edited: I think this cake might not taste like death.

Edited again: I finished.

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because I’m a huge geek and wrote and entire post about a character from doctor who

There are characters in the world that I identify with more than others. Characters who strike a cord in my heart and never leave me. And one of those characters, perhaps the character that I feel most strongly about is none other than Donna Noble. So, since I am a geek and I just finished bawling my eyes out to her last episode (spoilers), I figured it was time to write about my kindred spirit.

Donna doesn’t believe she’s anything special. And, on the surface, she isn’t. She’s in her 30s, single, living at home, working boring office jobs, falls for the wrong men, has friends who she doesn’t always like, fights with her mother and longs for something more. She is crying out for more in the world, for dreams that she doesn’t believe she deserves. But that doesn’t stop her from dreaming.

Instead of allowing people to see all of this, though, Donna hides it all under layers and layers of sarcasm, shouting and snark. She shouts at the world with the hope that someone is listening.

Sound familiar?

The first time I ever saw Donna I hated her. Oh, I hated her. And when I expressed my opinion of Donna to my dear friend, Stephen, he pointed out what I was too blind to see. I am Donna. I am the same cut, the same spunk, the same everything. My life isn’t quite the same, but my personality? Oh fuck me it’s the same thing. I am Donna.

She will always be the character I feel for the most. Because I understanding wanting more in life, but being so caught up in the day to day that you don’t believe “more” is ever going to come. I understand having dreams that seem to slip away because you spend eight (or ten) hours a day typing away at a computer just to make enough money to pay the rent. And I understanding having BIG PLANS that always seem to fade away because the world doesn’t allow you to follow through. But more than anything, I understanding hiding all of your hurt with sarcasm and snark. Allowing people to see how fragile and lonely you really are isn’t an option, is it? And it’s easier to make people laugh rather than being laughed at. Being vulnerable isn’t easy and being closed off and absent from emotions is a cinch.

So when (seriously, spoilers) Donna is robbed of her time with The Doctor and forced to go back to her boring life, I bawl. I cry my eyes out because I get it. I long for a life outside of this small city, this small job and this small life. I yearn for a big life, traveling, seeing the world, making a difference. And, just like Donna, I am waiting for someone big and wonderful to come along and make it easier for me to achieve all my dreams.

Everyone has characters they understand. Everyone has watched a movie, read a book, listened to a song and seen a television show and thought… “Yes. Yes I understand this. Yes, I get this struggle. Yes, I sympathize.” And tonight, that was me. I understand the lonely girl who doesn’t think she’s worth much and hides it all with sarcasm. So, Donna Noble. I get you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

exhausted.

I’ve heard people say that working in an office shouldn’t be that tiring because all you do is stare at a computer all day. And to those people I give a giant middle finger. Because my job is exhausting some days and today was one of those days.

Granted I won’t actually tell you anything I do with my job because part of it is protected under attorney client privileged and the rest is just so boring that you’ll all fall asleep on me. My job is dull, yes, but it just requires so much thought and so much running around back and forth between desks and offices and printers and phone calls and I AM SO TIRED RIGHT NOW.

I had every intention of working till 8 tonight, but by 5:15 my eyes were heavy and I was yawning up a storm. Still, I made it till seven. I chipped away at the stacks and stacks of paper on my desk and updated systems and answered emails and fought the urge to lay my head down for just a second. And at the same time I feel like I accomplished nothing to today.

Anyway, this post isn’t about me whining about how tired I am. Well, not entirely. This post is about how you should never tell someone that works in an office they have no right to be tired because they sit down all day. Because saying things like that makes you a world class jerk.

I’m going to bed now.