low point.

This isn’t an easy post to write. It’s admitting some hard facts, but since I’m still me I have to pepper it with humor to mask how upset I am with myself. Obviously.

I’m starting a dietbet with a few friends (and one stranger) tomorrow. Today I got on the scale for my initial weigh in and… wow. That was a number I wasn’t expecting to see and never, ever though I would see. And seeing it hurt. It really, really hurt. Today had been rough enough and I felt like enough of a failure, but then I saw that number and it hurt.

rockbottomBeing fat isn’t about eating. Doesn’t that sound crazy? Yes, eating causes us to gain weight, but we don’t eat just to eat. We eat because we’re unhappy or stressed or sad and we cannot find a different outlet for our feelings. That is why I am this weight. I love food, sure, but I love salads and veggies as much as I love pizza. I know what healthy food is and I know what I should be eating.

 

fatjoeyFor me, the food is a way of treating the bigger problems. Stressed about work? Ice cream. Lonely? Pizza. Angry at someone? Chinese food. Feeling sorry for myself? Bacon. I’m so use to self medicating with food that I’ve forgotten how to truly address my feelings and work through them like a normal, healthy human being. So you just accept that this is how it’s going to be. You’re going to eat that entire pint of ice cream and who cares? No one cares about you anyway so what’s the harm, right? Your friends all tell you they love you and that you’re beautiful and maybe they’re right. And let’s all be positive about our bodies and love ourselves for who we are so HAVE ANOTHER PIECE OF CAKE.

fatmonica

But, here’s the honest truth and I might be shunned for saying this by some people.

If you’re unhealthy then you shouldn’t love your body. You should love yourself, yes, but not your body. I shouldn’t be loving my body right now because I’m not loving my body. I’m treating my body like shit and I’m not loving it very much. Once I really do start to love myself and my body then my body will change and only then will I be able to really love my body. So right now? Don’t tell me I’m not overweight. It’s a lie. Don’t tell me I look good for my size.

What can you tell me? Tell me you know how hard this must be, but you want to see me be healthy. Tell me that you’re supporting this change. Tell me when I hit my goal weight you’ll buy me a dress. Tell me you’re proud of me. Tell me you don’t want me to die.

Because, yes, it’s that serious. I need to lose weight to stop myself from dying young. I’ve read all the research. I know the truth. If I stay fat I’m going to die. It’s that simple. It’s that blunt. It’s that serious.

I hit my low point today, but that doesn’t mean anything to me. It means I finally accepted that I can’t stay like this.

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